My Inspiration and 'The Fear'

I have been writing fiction since I was a child; as far back as I can remember I always loved putting pen to paper, typing something up, creating stories in my head, developing the characters, crafting the setting and the scenes and playing it all out in my mind. You hear people say they’ve always believed they have a novel in them, well, I’ve always believed I have a whole library’s worth in me. I’ll hear a word, a lyric, a quote, a conversation even and my mind will send me off on a wild journey, creating vast worlds where I’ll know exactly where the story is going, how it will play out and ultimately, how it will end.

The problem back then was that I never really did anything with them and other than some short stories, I kept everything in my head, never believing I was good enough. Yep, for many, many years I was constricted by ‘The Fear’, that internal voice that questions the quality and calibre of your work. Why would people want to read anything I write? What if I’m not as good as I think I am? How will I ever get anywhere being like I am?

It was that last question that really hit home, and it was then that I realised I had to embrace this fear because it was a part of who I am, more than that even, a struggle, a battle, one I’d been fighting for some time and, although I hadn’t known it way back when I started writing, it was something I would continue to wrestle with as I grew up. You see, my fear is not just a slight worry, a little bit of a concern, it’s a fully diagnosed mental health disorder of anxiety, a condition which then brings along with it a whole host of other issues, low self-esteem, insomnia, depression, the list goes on.

I started to realise that if I was feeling ‘The Fear’ and this was relating to my mental health, then others out there must be too. They could also be experiencing the overall stigma of having these issues, how it made you question not only yourself but everything about you, and even though it was becoming less taboo to talk about, people must still feel like I did, like I had to hide it every day, the fear of it being seen, discovered, revealed, almost as scary as the feelings unearthed by the conditions themselves. It was like having this huge secret that I kept just so others wouldn’t feel awkward around me, so they couldn’t view me differently, pity me, judge me. The worst thing was that I did this all because when I had started to open up all of those things had happened, along with bullying, intimidation and thinking my mental capacity was diminished, that somehow, I was less of a person. None of which were true but all of this added back into the issues themselves, making them a cycle that became harder and harder to escape.

It became my goal to include characters in my writing that I could relate to on a deeper level, that others in the same position could connect with, simply put, characters with mental health issues. This then expanded into including those with other problems, those with vulnerabilities, disadvantages, haunting pasts and troubled backgrounds and all within my wheelhouse of contemporary women’s fiction.

I’ve seen the movies, read the books and so many are about the perfect romance, the elaborate and sometimes convoluted way the main characters get together and yes, they are fantastic, heartwarming, and I am absolutely addicted to them, and wanted the same happy endings in my stories, but I also wanted the internal fight, the inner struggle, to see how people like myself persevered and overcame everything thrown at them while going after the happiness that can often feel like the most elusive and unachievable goal in the world.

I didn’t want my stories to just be the stereotypical boy meets girl, boy does something stupid and has to win girl back style tropes that are often overused in romantic fiction, although, let’s face it, at their very essence, that is what a good love story is all about, the meet, that first rush of feelings, the chase and eventually the happy ending. I wanted emotion as much as romance, to inject elements of comedy alongside the poignancy, have every aspect of falling in love and I wanted to make people think, feel, laugh and even ugly cry. I wanted my words to resonate with them, for them to experience joy, hope and inspiration, to learn to accept themselves and show the tenacity and resolve I know they have inside them and to know that they are not alone. To do this might well mean the two leads in my stories were torn apart for something they did, a misunderstanding, even for the reasons they kept hidden, and this may keep them distanced and separated for some time, but I wanted the reader to know that mental health was not a barrier to acceptance, to love, to a happy ever after. Just because you might have troubles and issues, it does not make you unlovable.

I wrote my first novel in eight months, I then wrote my second in five, the discipline to write becoming easier, the words flowing more freely and my commitment and dedication to my art taking over my fear of not being capable. Writing had always allowed me a freedom, been a way to escape and lose myself in a world I had created but now, now it became an outlet, a way to focus, soothe my mind, calm my anxiety, subdue my depression, quiet the noise in my own head that told me things were wrong and that I wasn’t good enough. I’m currently on my fifth novel and have very recently faced one of my fears; until now no-one had ever read anything I had written, but I wanted to share my work, felt that it deserved to at least be out there, so I took heart from that saying, ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ and I took a chance. I sent two novels to a few agents and both novels are still out there, I’m still waiting to hear back but, even if I get rejections or never make it as a published author, even if I self-publish, I am still a writer, it’s just who I am and if even one person someday reads my words and it gives them a tiny bit of hope, an iota of confidence, makes them feel like someone out there understands or even just allows them an escape for a moment, then it will have been worth it.

In short, my writing inspiration is very simple, it is to show people through my words that even when they may be feeling alone, they aren’t, that mental health issues are not a reason for shutting the world out and hiding away, that all of us with struggles deserve to be seen, loved, wanted, treated well and not like someone who is less capable, that we are worthwhile members of society and should not only be treated as such but should also not be afraid to be who we are. We are warriors who battle daily and at the end of each day we should take a moment to realise just what we have achieved in that day, even if the main accomplishment was just getting through it. And as with my writing, no matter what the obstacle, a painful past, a betrayal, an idiot ex, anxiety, addiction, depression, you should never forget that love is not unobtainable, and even if that is simply learning to love yourself, it’s capable of conquering all, you are capable of conquering all!

My Inspiration and 'The Fear'

I have been writing fiction since I was a child; as far back as I can remember I always loved putting pen to paper, typing something up, creating stories in my head, developing the characters, crafting the setting and the scenes and playing it all out in my mind. You hear people say they’ve always believed they have a novel in them, well, I’ve always believed I have a whole library’s worth in me. I’ll hear a word, a lyric, a quote, a conversation even and my mind will send me off on a wild journey, creating vast worlds where I’ll know exactly where the story is going, how it will play out and ultimately, how it will end.

The problem back then was that I never really did anything with them and other than some short stories, I kept everything in my head, never believing I was good enough. Yep, for many, many years I was constricted by ‘The Fear’, that internal voice that questions the quality and calibre of your work. Why would people want to read anything I write? What if I’m not as good as I think I am? How will I ever get anywhere being like I am?

It was that last question that really hit home, and it was then that I realised I had to embrace this fear because it was a part of who I am, more than that even, a struggle, a battle, one I’d been fighting for some time and, although I hadn’t known it way back when I started writing, it was something I would continue to wrestle with as I grew up. You see, my fear is not just a slight worry, a little bit of a concern, it’s a fully diagnosed mental health disorder of anxiety, a condition which then brings along with it a whole host of other issues, low self-esteem, insomnia, depression, the list goes on.

I started to realise that if I was feeling ‘The Fear’ and this was relating to my mental health, then others out there must be too. They could also be experiencing the overall stigma of having these issues, how it made you question not only yourself but everything about you, and even though it was becoming less taboo to talk about, people must still feel like I did, like I had to hide it every day, the fear of it being seen, discovered, revealed, almost as scary as the feelings unearthed by the conditions themselves. It was like having this huge secret that I kept just so others wouldn’t feel awkward around me, so they couldn’t view me differently, pity me, judge me. The worst thing was that I did this all because when I had started to open up all of those things had happened, along with bullying, intimidation and thinking my mental capacity was diminished, that somehow, I was less of a person. None of which were true but all of this added back into the issues themselves, making them a cycle that became harder and harder to escape.

It became my goal to include characters in my writing that I could relate to on a deeper level, that others in the same position could connect with, simply put, characters with mental health issues. This then expanded into including those with other problems, those with vulnerabilities, disadvantages, haunting pasts and troubled backgrounds and all within my wheelhouse of contemporary women’s fiction.

I’ve seen the movies, read the books and so many are about the perfect romance, the elaborate and sometimes convoluted way the main characters get together and yes, they are fantastic, heartwarming, and I am absolutely addicted to them, and wanted the same happy endings in my stories, but I also wanted the internal fight, the inner struggle, to see how people like myself persevered and overcame everything thrown at them while going after the happiness that can often feel like the most elusive and unachievable goal in the world.

I didn’t want my stories to just be the stereotypical boy meets girl, boy does something stupid and has to win girl back style tropes that are often overused in romantic fiction, although, let’s face it, at their very essence, that is what a good love story is all about, the meet, that first rush of feelings, the chase and eventually the happy ending. I wanted emotion as much as romance, to inject elements of comedy alongside the poignancy, have every aspect of falling in love and I wanted to make people think, feel, laugh and even ugly cry. I wanted my words to resonate with them, for them to experience joy, hope and inspiration, to learn to accept themselves and show the tenacity and resolve I know they have inside them and to know that they are not alone. To do this might well mean the two leads in my stories were torn apart for something they did, a misunderstanding, even for the reasons they kept hidden, and this may keep them distanced and separated for some time, but I wanted the reader to know that mental health was not a barrier to acceptance, to love, to a happy ever after. Just because you might have troubles and issues, it does not make you unlovable.

I wrote my first novel in eight months, I then wrote my second in five, the discipline to write becoming easier, the words flowing more freely and my commitment and dedication to my art taking over my fear of not being capable. Writing had always allowed me a freedom, been a way to escape and lose myself in a world I had created but now, now it became an outlet, a way to focus, soothe my mind, calm my anxiety, subdue my depression, quiet the noise in my own head that told me things were wrong and that I wasn’t good enough. I’m currently on my fifth novel and have very recently faced one of my fears; until now no-one had ever read anything I had written, but I wanted to share my work, felt that it deserved to at least be out there, so I took heart from that saying, ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ and I took a chance. I sent two novels to a few agents and both novels are still out there, I’m still waiting to hear back but, even if I get rejections or never make it as a published author, even if I self-publish, I am still a writer, it’s just who I am and if even one person someday reads my words and it gives them a tiny bit of hope, an iota of confidence, makes them feel like someone out there understands or even just allows them an escape for a moment, then it will have been worth it.

In short, my writing inspiration is very simple, it is to show people through my words that even when they may be feeling alone, they aren’t, that mental health issues are not a reason for shutting the world out and hiding away, that all of us with struggles deserve to be seen, loved, wanted, treated well and not like someone who is less capable, that we are worthwhile members of society and should not only be treated as such but should also not be afraid to be who we are. We are warriors who battle daily and at the end of each day we should take a moment to realise just what we have achieved in that day, even if the main accomplishment was just getting through it. And as with my writing, no matter what the obstacle, a painful past, a betrayal, an idiot ex, anxiety, addiction, depression, you should never forget that love is not unobtainable, and even if that is simply learning to love yourself, it’s capable of conquering all, you are capable of conquering all!